I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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