i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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