I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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