I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
