U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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