I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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