you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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