things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
They have beer where we have blood.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
