I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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