I wish my penis had an off switch
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
