Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
