Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
