I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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