forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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