Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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