the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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