So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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