my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
