So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
