apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
