I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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