I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
