Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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