It's like God shit irony all over that family
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
