yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
