Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
