I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
