I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
