Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
