I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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