I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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