I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
