What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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