I wish my penis had an off switch
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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