just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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