God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
