you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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