drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The Olympian is in my bed
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