I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
