Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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