I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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