Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
