i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
