I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
