went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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