Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
