This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
