I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
