Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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