Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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