Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
