i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
