My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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